Speed of Lightening
by rosemarried
Summary: Artemis's "friend" Mulch drags him away from his cozy apartment to a boring speed dating session. Meanwhile, Holly's co-worker and best friend Foaly forces her to socialize a bit and take her mind off of work with the same. AU human!Holly, first meeting.


**For Schermione's 5 10 20 50 75 100 Fandoms challenge. A couple of things first; one, I know no bar would ever hold a speed dating session this late. It just fit better to have it this late. Second, I did something I think is rather clever with both their phone numbers, try and see if you can pick it out. :) Third, I'm sure this isn't anywhere near as good as I was hoping it would come out so don't get your hopes up. And last, this is not beta'd, nor did I make any attempt to correc mistakes. So I apologize for what will most likely be numerous auto corrects and other stupid things. **

**I think that's it. Enjoy, review, etc. **

* * *

Artemis was bored again. This was never a good thing. When Artemis was bored, bad things happened. When he was 12 he caused 15 major Irish, English and Spanish banks to declare bankruptcy simply by switching around a few account numbers and having 2 dollars wired into every single account in Europe and then crashing the computer system and erasing all the data so it was untraceable. When he was 15 his boredom caused a highly publicized political scandal. At 16, an actual homicide, although he hadn't planned for that it had rather entertained him. Now at 21, he was bored and his mind racing, schemes so complicated and far out the average person would have never considered them or even thought them possible. Then again, Artemis was not your average person.

Someone knocked on his door, but Artemis didn't bother to get up. If it was something or someone important, they would knock again or come in anyways so he saw no need to get up. Chances are it wasn't interesting anyways. Another knock. "Artemis!" came a loud shout, and Artemis groaned; not them. Please, God, not today. "Artemis, get your fat lazy ass out of bed or off the computer or wherever you are and let me in."

"Let yourself in; the door is open." Artemis called back after a moment, finally accepting they were, unfortunately, actually there and he couldn't avoid them.

"Yeah, but that's not polite." the voice insisted. "Get the fuck up and open the door." Artemis sighed and pushed himself off the couch, walked through the large living area to the kitchen and swung the front door open. He immediately turned and started back to his seat on the couch.

"There." he said as Mulch, the body the voice belonged to, sat in a chair on the other side of the room. "Happy?"

"Very." he said, grinning. He pushed a hand through his messy mop of jet black hair as he observed the figure slumped on the couch. "Bored?" he asked. Artemis didn't bother to respond. Mulch chuckled. "Nothing good ever happens when Artemis Fowl is bored. What are you planning? Murder?"

"I'm seriously considering it." Artemis muttered, wishing he would take the hint and leave him alone. But of course, he only chuckled again.

"Well, luckily for you, I have a better idea." Artemis was not even faintly intrigued. He stared at Mulch blankly, waiting for him to speak. "Tonight, we're going speed dating."

"No." Artemis said bluntly. "I have no interest in flirting with women, especially when I must change women every 5 seconds."

"No interest in flirting with women, huh?" Mulch asked, eyebrows raised, smirking. Artemis rolled his eyes.

"No, Diggums you moron. I'm not gay. No matter how many times you twist my words to make it sound that way, I will never be gay." he told him for the umpteenth time. Mulch shrugged.

"Suuuuure you aren't." he said. "Gotcha all figured out, Fowl."

"If you're so sure I'm gay, why are you trying to convince me to go speed dating?" he pointed out. "Rather poorly trying, might I add."

"It's all part of my highly intelligent and very well thought out plan... Somehow." Mulch said. He got up and grabbed Artemis's arm, tugging on it. Seeing as Mulch was easily at least twice his size, he could have pulled him straight off the couch effortlessly, but chose just to continuously pull at his arm to annoy him. "Get up." he said in a high, singsong-y voice. "Get up now." Artemis groaned and yanked his arm away, sitting up finally. Mulch grinned, satisfied. He pulled Artemis to his feet and pushed him in the direction of the shower. "Now go get ready."

"You know I'm starting to think you're the gay one. First you try to convince me that I like men and now you want me to get undressed." Artemis grumbled as he stumbled towards the shower.

"Whatever you say, little man. Go shower and get dressed." Artemis sighed and shut and locked the bathroom door behind him. He stared at the shower for a moment before undressing, feeling forlorn. He certainly wasn't looking forward to today.

* * *

Holly sat at her desk, not sure why she had yet again consented to work overtime yet again. It was taking a tole on her, all this work and stress. She never got a full nights sleep and couldn't remember the last time she had done anything remotely fun. She stretched and pushed her seemingly endless pile of paperwork away, grabbing her bag. She could finish this tomorrow, but right now all the wanted to do was go home and take a nice, relaxing bath. Anything to get her mind off of work.

As she was locking up for the night, a quiet voice said her name from down the hall. Holly nearly jumped a mile in the air and whipped around, searching for a source of the noise in the dark. A low, muffled laughing came from around the corner. She marched up to the offender and grabbed him by the ear. "Foaly, I swear to god, one of these days I'm going to kill you."

"Ow- Sorry, Holly, I couldn't resist." Holly rolled her eyes and let him go.

"Yeah, alright. What are you doing here so late anyways?" she asked. Foaly shrugged as he straightened up to his full height, almost a full foot taller than Holly.

"I'm here working overtime." he said evasively. Holly stared at him, eyes narrowed.

"You never work overtime." she said. "What are you really doing here? Why aren't you at home, sleeping? God knows I'd love to be doing just that." she sighed, rubbing her eyes.

"Yeah, well drink some coffee cause you're not going to sleep." Foaly said, grabbing her by the arm and dragging her towards the parking lot.

"Of course I'm not. What was I thinking?" she murmured, stumbling along behind her friend in the dark. "So? What's so important that your dragging me away from the office? Can't be work - you'd be dragging me back in if that was the case."

Foaly opened the passenger side door to his car and held it open for her. Holly hesitated. "But what about my car?" she asked.

"It'll be safe here." she was assured. "Who would steal a car out of the parking lot of a police station?" Holly had to admit he had a point. Sighing, she relented and got in.

"Alright, here's the deal." Foaly said as he started the engine and pulled out onto the main road. "Frankly, your social life is almost completely non existant."

"That is not true!" Holly protested. "I have plenty of friends."

"Name 5."

"You... Er..." Holly couldn't think of another name she could count as a friend.

"Exactly." Foaly said. "That's why I'm taking you speed dating." Holly stared at him dubiously.

"Speed dating? At this time of night? Foaly, where are you going to find a place open?" she asked.

"One, it's only ten o'clock. Two, there's a bar not far from where I live that has one going on that starts in half an hour. That's enough time to get you back to your flat, dressed, and there, I think."

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" she asked, looking down at her clothing. It didn't look like a police uniform if she took off the jacket, which had the stations insignia on it. Sure, it looked a little professional and business like, but what was wrong with that? Foaly, however, didn't agree.

"See, Holly? This is what I mean. You actually think work clothing is suitable for a night out. No, your going back to your place and picking out something else - you do own something other than work clothing and sweats, right?" he asked. Holly thought for a moment.

"I think so, yeah." She said, frowning.

"'I think so.' Well, it'll have to do." he sighed, turning into her Holly's apartment complex.

* * *

Mulch practically dragged Artemis into the bar, who had no desire to be here. The small bar was packed full of desperate singles who apparently truly believed that talking to a person for 15 minutes at most would be the start of a relationship. He wondered vaguely how many of these people were here of their own accord and how many had been dragged along in a similar fashion as he had. Mulch glanced down at his watch.

"10:25." he told Artemis. "Only a few minutes until they get things going now."

"Why are they even holding one of these so late?" Artemis questioned. "Wouldn't they get more desperate people of they were held earlier?" Mulch shrugged.

"Dunno. Maybe they have a lot of businesses that run late here, so it's better to hold events late?" Artemis hadn't really been talking to him, and therefore wasn't really paying attention to his answer.

"Perhaps." he answered vaguely. Mulch dragged him over to the bar and ordered them both a beer. Artemis wasn't a fan of beer, but decided it would be better just to drink the stuff and get it out of the way, lest Mulch thrust it down his throat.

While Mulch attempted to engage Artemis in conversation, more people poured into the bar, including a man with tawny brown hair standing almost 6 feet tall, towering over the girl he had in tow, looking highly uncomfortable.

"Foaly." she said, having to talk rather loudly to be heard over the noise. "Do I really have to do this?"

"Yes." answered Foaly.

"But-"

"No buts. You are going to socialize if I have grab you by your ear and force you to talk to someone." Holly sighed.

"Fine." she said. "But that doesn't mean I'm going to like it." Foaly grinned.

"If you say so." he said. "They should be starting soon."

"Ladies and gentleman, thank you for being here tonight. We're going to start the speed dating soon, but first a couple of rules. You can only be with each partner once, and each session will last 10 minutes. Ladies, if you could take a seat at one of the tables." he waited while the girls shuffled around, grabbing empty tables. Holly stayed where she was for a few seconds until Foaly, rolling his eyes, pushed her into the nearest chair. "And gentleman, please take a seat at any table as well. Only you men will be shifting around. Every time we call 'Shift!', finish up your conversations and move to the table to your right." Artemis heard the instructions clearly, but made no effort to move until Mulch placed a hand on his back and pointed to a rather short girl in a green dress near the back.

"Start with her, she looks like she'd like to be here as much as you do. Sure you'll hit it off right away." Mulch then fav him a shove in her direction and chuckled as Artemis stumbled and nearly fell over. Sending a glower his way as he regained his balance, Artemis walked swiftly to the table and sat down.

"Alright... Begin!" said the voice over the speaker system. Instantly, chatter began all around them. Both occupants of Artemis's table, however, said nothing for a moment. Instead, they studied each other intently.

"So what's your name then?" the girl finally asked him.

"Artemis. Artemis Fowl." he told her. The girl chuckled and Artemis stared, confused.

"Of course." he heard her mumble to herself. "First person I meet at this stupid place is a Fowl."

"I'm sorry?" he said.

"Oh, nothing. My name is Holly Short. Good to meet you." Artemis nodded but still pushed for an explanation.

"You recognized my name." he said simply. "How?"

"I work for the police." she explained. "Captain. You're name has popped up quite a few times in our case files." Artemis chuckled.

"Well, isn't that interesting. I'm sitting here, having a casual talk with a woman who would probably like nothing more than to see me behind bars." Holly allowed a small grin.

"I admit you have caused me rather a lot of trouble. And paperwork."

"Your job would get boring without me." he said, shrugging. "You should be thanking me."

"Is this a confession?" she asked.

"No. And even if it was, you have no proof. Simply saying I did do something wouldn't be enough for a judge." Holly knew he had a point. Any judge would probably turn him lose, thinking he was just looking for attention. She also realized he must have unnaturally high self confidence levels to sit here and say such things in front of a police officer for crying out loud.

"Well, other than cause trouble and evade the police-"

"-I thought we'd agreed you have no proof?"

"We never agreed anything and you interrupted me."

"My apologies. Do continue." Holly rolled her eyes at how obviously not sorry he was.

"Anyways, do you do anything besides the afore mentioned things?" she inquired. Artemis thought a moment.

"I look after my brothers." he said.

"Oh, siblings? How old?"

"Seven. Twins by the names Beckett and Myles." Holly smiled, no doubt imagining two lovely little angels. Artemis almost laughed at this; his brothers were far from angelic in any sense of the word. "And yourself? Any siblings?" Holly shook her head.

"No, I'm an only child. Growing up I used to want siblings though."

"Used to? So not anymore then?" Holly shrugged.

"When you're an officer, family goes a long way. If you have a bad family history, you won't make it far. The less family you have, then, the less chances there are for something to go wrong." Even though her words were matter-of-fact, she looked a bit sad. Artemis wondered if someone in her family had died recently, since it would explain talking of less family and sadness. He decided not to press the topic, however.

Artemis seemed to have made the appropriate decision because a second later, Holly made a slight topic change, most likely because she didn't want to discuss her family in Artemis's opinion. "Your brothers are seven... Doesn't that mean they were born soon after you went missing?" she asked him. Artemis wasn't surprised she knew about his being reported missing, but he was rather surprised that she had made the connection. Most people didn't.

"They were." he confirmed. "Those sorts of things aren't altogether uncommon. I had missing for quite some time by then, with no leads. It isn't any wonder she gave up hope." Holly didn't know how to respond to that. Did he really think like that? Was he not even the slightest bit upset that his parents had simply had more children when they thought he may not come back? Artemis must have noticed the look on her face. "No, it doesn't bother me if that's what you're thinking. Not much, anyways. It's a basic human instinct - if a child dies, have more. The human brain's number one concern is carrying on the race." Holly slowly nodded, although she still had trouble grasping the idea. This was more up Foaly's ally, all this science and 'basic instinct' talk. She made a mental note to have him explain it better.

"What about your own family?" Holly looked up, surprised. Artemis wasn't a stupid person as far as she could see; surely he must have picked up the hint? Artemis, in fact, had noticed but chosen to push the topic anyway. His curiosity had gotten the better of him.

"Well," Holly started, but paused not sure how to continue. "My mother died when I was young and I don't have much contact with my father. No siblings either. So I don't have much family to talk about." Artemis nodded sympathetically.

"I'm sorry about your mother." he said, although the lack of emotional response told Holly he was really saying it more because it was the polite thing to say rather than being truly sorry. Still, at least he had said something at all.

"Thanks." said Holly. There was a small pause.

"Do you do these sorts of things often?" Artemis asked. Holly shook her head with a laugh.

"Absolutely not. I was dragged here by a coworker who kidnapped me while locking up the station." Holly told him. Artemis cracked a smile at her word choice. "What about you? You don't seem the type to come to these sorts of things either." she commented.

"Seven minutes into our conversation and you already have me classified as a type?" Artemis asked. "To answer your question though, I don't come to these sorts of things. This is my first time, and I only came because I was made to." Holly chuckled.

"Seems we're alike in one way - neither of us likes socializing." she commented. Artemis allowed a small grin and shrugged.

"I prefer not to put up with stupid people." he replied.

"Then don't join the force." Holly said. "I used to be on road patrol, and I came across all sorts of idiots. One tried to get out of a ticket by telling me he was on the way to his only daughters funeral and was late. His daughter then introduced herself from the backseat. He still tried to pass off the same story though." Artemis raised his eyebrows and shook his head, smiling.

"I'm losing faith in humanity." he joked.

"I lost all of mine when a grown man was arrested for shooting another man in the arm. Apparently his friends told him it wasn't loaded, so he tested that by aiming it at a random person and pulling the trigger."

"Yes, I saw the news story about that incident. I was convinced it was fake because no one could be that idiotic. I guess I was wrong." Holly laughed.

"Shift! Finish up your conversations and move on to the next person!" came a voice over the speaker system.

"Would they notice if I just stayed here?" Artemis wondered out loud. "I don't want to have to meet 20 different girls today."

"I think they would." Holly said. There was an awkward short pause before Artemis cleared his throat.

"Do you have a cell phone? Perhaps I'll call you sometime and we can meet again?" Artemis said awkwardly, having trouble meeting her eyes. Holly grinned.

"Yes, that sounds good." she said. "Do you need me to write it down?"

"No, I'll remember it." Artemis said confidently.

"Then it's (115) 367 3266." Artemis nodded, storing it away in his brain to enter into his phone later.

"And mine, should I write it down?" he asked. Holly nodded.

"I'll forget it 5 seconds later if you don't." Artemis took out a scrap of paper he found in his pocket and, after checking it was nothing important, he scribbled the digits (384) 543 6487 on it and handed it to her. Holly pocketed the scrap with a grin.

"I guess I'll here from you later?" Artemis nodded.

"Definitely. Goodbye, Holly." With that, he stood and strolled towards the doors, ignoring the table he was supposed to transfer to. He had met one girl, that should e good enough for Mulch.

"See you later, Artemis." she called after him as another guy took his place. She sat through three more speed dates before she couldn't take it anymore - not that she had been listening to them anyway. She grabbed Foaly during switches and forced him to take her home.

In the car, Foaly asked her, "So, did you meet anyone?"

"One person." she said. "His name was Artemis Fowl." Foaly nearly veered off the side of the road.

"Fowl?!" he nearly shouted. "You're getting involved with a crime lord... Well, I guess that's what I get for forcing you to come out."

"You know as well as I do we don't have nearly enough evidence against him to hold up in court." Holly countered. Foaly shook his head.

"Still... Please tell me your joking. You aren't serious about this, are you?"

"Perfectly." she replied. Foaly only shook his head, grinning slightly.

"Okay, fine, you win. Just don't rob any banks."

"I'll try not to."

* * *

**_Shall I give you all a clue then? About the secret to the numbers? I've gotten some really good theories - I didn't even notice these things myself! - but none are what I had planned. Pull out your mobile of home phone and look at the keys. There are letters as well as numbers on the number keys... Can you work it out? Good luck! _**


End file.
